Criticism
Attacking your partner's character ("you always...", "you never...") instead of naming a specific need.
Try instead: a gentle start-up: "I felt... about... and I need..."
Couples Therapy · San Diego
Couples therapy in San Diego
You still love each other, so why does it feel so hard? As a couples therapist in San Diego, meeting in person and online across California, I help partners unlearn the patterns that pull them apart and practice the skills that hold them together.
Accepting new individual & couples clientsLMFT #10780613+ years of experienceLicensed in CA & FLLyra Health accepted
"Having the same argument over and over again?"
It's not whether couples argue, it's how
Decades of relationship research show that how couples handle conflict predicts their future far better than how often they have it. Here are the four patterns worth watching for.
Contempt
Eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, speaking from a place of superiority. Research finds it the strongest predictor of relationships ending.
Try instead: building a daily culture of appreciation and respect.
Defensiveness
Meeting a complaint with a counter-complaint or playing the victim, which tells your partner they weren't heard.
Try instead: owning even a small piece of the problem first.
Stonewalling
Shutting down, going silent, or leaving mid-conflict, usually a sign of being emotionally flooded, not of not caring.
Try instead: a 20-minute break to self-soothe, then returning to the conversation.
Patterns identified in research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute, described here in my own words.
The cycle that runs the same fight
Most couples aren't really fighting about the dishes. They're caught in a loop: the more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, and round it goes. Watch it spin, then see what changes when you name it.
The cycle is the problem, not either of you. When a couple can spot the loop while it's happening, they can step out of it and turn toward each other instead. That's the heart of what we practice in couples therapy.
Small moments matter more than grand gestures
Throughout the day, partners make small "bids" for each other's attention: a sigh, a question, a hand reaching out. Relationships thrive not on vacations and anniversaries, but on turning toward these small bids, over and over. In couples therapy, we slow these moments down so you can start catching them.
A gentle relationship check-in
Six quick reflections. There are no wrong answers. Just notice what's true for you lately.
1. We can disagree without it turning into a fight.
2. I feel heard when I share something important.
3. We still laugh together.
4. When we argue, one of us shuts down or walks away.
5. Small irritations quickly turn into criticism.
6. We make time for just the two of us most weeks.
This is a private self-reflection tool, not an assessment or diagnosis. Nothing you select is stored or sent anywhere.
"The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives."Esther Perel
In San Diego, or online across California
My office is in San Diego (Scripps Ranch, near the I-15 in the 92131 area), an easy drive from Mira Mesa, Tierrasanta, Poway, and Rancho Bernardo. Prefer to meet from home? I also see couples online across California, so therapy fits around work and family instead of competing with it.
Common questions about couples therapy
Do you offer couples therapy online, or only in your San Diego office?
Both. You're welcome in my San Diego office, and I also see couples online across California. Many partners mix the two, meeting in person when they can and switching to video on busy weeks, so therapy fits around work and family instead of competing with it.
Do we have to be married to start couples therapy?
Not at all. I work with dating, engaged, long-term, and married partners, including couples who are still deciding whether to stay together. If you share a relationship that matters to you, couples therapy can help, no matter the label.
What approach do you use for couples?
My work is attachment-based and emotionally focused, with practical, Gottman-informed skills for communication and conflict. We name the cycle that keeps catching you, slow down the moments where it escalates, and build new ways of reaching for each other that you can use long after therapy ends.
What's the difference between couples therapy and marriage counseling?
In practice, they're the same work. “Marriage counseling” usually implies a married couple, while “couples therapy” covers any committed relationship. Either way the goal is the same: understand the pattern between you, and learn to respond to each other differently.
Ready to change the pattern?
Couples who come in early do best, but it's never too late to learn new steps. Book a free 15-minute consultation for the two of you.
Request a Free 15-Minute Consult